Just Listen…

Don’t share your own experiences!

This is a big mistake that I made, right up until my 50’s.

I thought, incorrectly as it turns out, that when people are sharing things that upset them, they wanted to know that you really understood what they were going through. I thought they wanted to know that you heard it, and felt it, and knew it. I thought they wanted to know they were not alone.

I also thought, the way to show that, was to share your own experiences that were as similar as could be.

I used to think that gave authentricity to your comments of “I understand”. I thought it demonstrated a kinship and depth of appreciation that “those who just don’t know what it’s like” couldn’t share.

Oh boy was I wrong!

I have recently come across loads of posts on social media saying that this is the LAST thing that people want! Turns out, that when you share your shit too that is similar, people fee like you are minimising their suffering. Turns out that they feel like you are trying to make it all about you!

Wow! Have I been getting it wrong!

Someone who needs to talk doesn’t care about whether your understanding is experiencial or not. They don’t care if you know what it is like or not. They just need a safe space to vent.

If someone comes to you with a problem that is weighing them down, shut the fuck up, and just listen to them, for as long as they need you to.